Canada · Ontario
Ontario: Where Everyone Says Sorry, Even to the Waterfall
Here’s a travel test for you. Bump into someone in Ontario and see who apologises first. My money’s on them. I’ve never felt so rude by simply existing.
A good Ontario trip can take you from squeezing into a Toronto jazz bar to sitting on a dock with a mug of something warm, listening to a loon make a noise that seems far too large for one bird. Somewhere in between, you can get soaked at Niagara and pay good money for the privilege.
The soundtrack
Close your eyes in Toronto and you’ll hear the clang of a streetcar. At an early hockey practice, it’s the crack of a stick on the ice and the rustle of parents in puffy jackets clutching Tim Hortons cups like holy relics. Somewhere in the province, a goose is furious. I assume it has its reasons.
Get out to a lake at dusk and listen for the eerie, wavering call of a loon. It’s the sort of sound that makes me stop halfway through a sentence.
The loon is on the Canadian one-dollar coin, the loonie. The two-dollar coin is a toonie. A whole country that lets its money sound like a Saturday-morning cartoon.
Toronto by day
Start at the CN Tower. Stand on the glass floor and look down until your brain and your feet agree that everything is fine. Then there’s the EdgeWalk, where they clip you in and let you walk around the outside. I’m very good at watching other people do that.
Go hungry to St. Lawrence Market. The peameal bacon sandwich is thick back bacon in a soft bun, and it’ll probably make the paper bag translucent before you’ve found somewhere to sit. Canadians defend it with the same conviction we Saffas bring to a braai. Fair enough.
Give Kensington Market an afternoon. There are vintage shops, street art and enough distractions to make a shopping list pointless. It’s the sort of place where you go looking for a coat and leave with a vinyl record you have nowhere to play.
If a bakery has butter tarts, in we go. People have strong views about whether raisins belong in one. I’m happy to hear both sides, provided there are samples.
Toronto after dark
King Street West is where to go for big clubs, rooftop lounges and people dressed as though a photographer might be hiding behind a pot plant. My evening would probably end up on Queen West or Ossington, at a corner table with a drink that doesn’t require an explanation.
See who’s playing at The Rex. A seat, a beer and a saxophonist with something to say will do me nicely. For comedy, try The Second City for sketch and improv or Yuk Yuk’s for stand-up. Canadians have had plenty of time to develop a sense of humour about winter.
A game can make the whole evening. Pick the Leafs to hear a roomful of people suffer in unison, the Blue Jays for the chance of baseball under an open roof, or the Raptors to go home with slightly less hearing than you arrived with.
For a late night, check the venue’s hours and ID requirements, and work out how you’re getting back. The time to discover your streetcar has stopped running is while you’re still sitting somewhere warm.
Niagara, with and without the neon
You hear Niagara Falls before you see it. There’s a low, steady roar, as though the earth is clearing its throat. Then the Horseshoe Falls come into view and you realise how much water your imagination left out.
Take the boat if it’s running. Pull on the poncho, accept that it will protect roughly the middle of you, and go into the spray. Afterwards, walk up Clifton Hill, where the wax museums and haunted houses make an admirable effort to compete with a waterfall. It’s gloriously tacky. I’d miss it if it were gone.
Stay until the falls light up if you can. The colour catches in the mist, and you can hear the roar long after you’ve stopped trying to photograph it. Check the fireworks schedule for your dates if you fancy the full show.
For a slower afternoon, head to Niagara-on-the-Lake and leave time for the town as well as the wineries. A small glass of icewine is a complete afternoon’s work for my teeth.
Ottawa takes its time
Start with Parliament on the hill, then follow the Rideau Canal through town. In winter, when the ice is safe and the skateway opens, you’ll see people on skates looking as though they’re simply on their way to a meeting. A cinnamon-sugar BeaverTail is an excellent thing to eat while deciding how much dignity you’re willing to risk on the ice.
For dinner, head to the ByWard Market. It’s the kind of place where you start with one drink and end up fixing the country with a man called Gord. By morning, neither of you can remember the details. The country carries on.
Where to go for a little quiet
Give Algonquin Provincial Park enough time to get onto the water. In autumn, the maples can look so outrageously red and orange that you’ll be tempted to turn the colour down in your photos. If a moose appears, expect it to look at you with the disappointment of a headmaster.
In Muskoka, a dock, a chair and a day with very little written on it will do nicely. Bring bug spray. The mosquitoes are entirely willing to reorganise your afternoon.
See the Thousand Islands from the water. You pass islands barely big enough for a cottage, then along comes one with a castle. The cottage would have done me.
After a few days in town, give me a mug in my hands, stars over the lake and a loon calling from somewhere in the dark. That’s a late night worth letting your tea go cold for.
A few things to plan around
- Distances. Toronto and Niagara make a good pair for a short trip. Give Ottawa or Algonquin time of its own. A stretch of Highway 401 can do a surprising amount of damage to an optimistic itinerary.
- Seasons. Pack proper layers for winter and insect repellent for summer near the lakes. Check conditions before building a day around skating, paddling or a boat trip.
- Sundays. Check the hours of any places you’re counting on. If the shops shut early, there’s your excuse for a walk.
- Paying the bill. Carry a little cash for markets and small stops, and factor a tip into the cost of a sit-down meal. The card machine has a way of reminding you just as you think you’ve finished doing the maths.
The jazz and the dock are reason enough to go back. There’s also the unresolved question of raisins in butter tarts, and I’m prepared to do the research.
And when somebody apologises for bumping into me, I’ll say sorry back. I’m learning.
Next step
Starting in Toronto? Compare four neighbourhoods before you choose where to stay.